Soul Search, Part 3

I am getting a little tired of typing about this topic so i'll try to make it short. (ok so that didn't happen)

Let me get back to when I first went to a Catholic Highschool..... The more I learned about other cultures and religions, the more I began to ask questions. I was always told that God has a plan for everyone when he creates them on this earth, and I felt fortunate for being in the environment were I was raised to serve the Christian God. But then I began to wonder about everyone else who was surrounded by a completely different culture and religious preference. Some of these people never even heard about Christianity or the Bible and are equally devoted to their own beliefs as I was to mine. But then I was taught that you have to be baptised and you had to go to church and this and that. And I was also observing the different behaviors of Catholics who their own set of rules and restrictions. Everyone did these things to earn their place in heaven, so does that mean that if you don't do these things you are doomed? What about people from another hemisphere who have never heard about Christianity or the Bible but have devoted their lives to their own cultures beliefs. Some of these people would worship many times per day and devote everything they do to their Gods. To them this is all they know, but how can it be possible for the Christian God to create these people and have a plan for them to be saved. Convicing these people that their beliefs are wronge and that Christianity is right would be impossible. If a Christian was in their shoes and was being told their ways are wronge and they need to change their faith or be doomed, do you think they would change? Not a chance! So then those who are not Christians and never will be are doomed from birth! Many of non-christians out there are good people beleive it or not. They respect others and stay out of trouble. Some I would imagine live better lives then that of a Christian. How is it that they deserve to go to hell? Does that mean every Native American (before we came over and slaughtered them) where doomed from the start? Every Budhist monk and Egyptian slave made an eternal error of being born in the wronge place at the wronge time? If you don't think that a good person deserves to go to hell based on their religion then what is even the point in having an organized religion?
I just don't think its important to go to church every week, or perform a sacred ritual. Chants and hymns don't make a difference. The only important thing is that you know right from wronge, and you try and make the right decisions when you can. Bad things are going to happen, but there is nothing anyone can do about it except try to get by.

So those were the main questions that came up in my head. After that point I became more and more of agnostic and nearly an athiest. I just didn't care any more, especially after my first junior year at a public school. No longer was I being sufficated by the enormous amounts of religious influences. I was finally free to think for myself and I finally developed into a full Agnosticist. I never preached what I thought to anyone though. It was always private and personal. I still respected everyone else for what they believed because after all, it is just a matter of opinion. I was also a boyscout and doing my best at being a good person. I contributed to the comunity and never once got in a fight. I was always nice to people and cared about their feelings. I never seriously put someone down no matter how different they where. And I still am that way today.

After my junior year it was time for some change and my family moved here.. to Decatur Alabama. This city is actually in the record books for having the most churches on one city street. This area is also often refered to as the Bible belt. So needless to say, people who felt the same as me were few and far between. I often had been asked what church I go to and offered by many nice people to go with them to church. Luckily in highschool I met a few guys who thought like me and we have been hanging out ever since.

Still, the biggest challenge on my faith was when I met a girl I call Juie. She was born and raised in this town and has a very influential mother. We were both lonely enough that it didn't matter at the time. We just wanted the company of another and we quickly fell in love. She was a very good person and I loved many things about. her. But we had 2 major things different. Sex and Religion. She went to church every Sunday and Wednesday and is still part of a youth group at age 22. Obviously religion is a major part of her life and I respected that. But I tried to make it clear that I was not a Christian and church was not for me. Of course it was only a matter of time before she had me going with her on holidays or cookouts which ended with a sermon. And of course every time I go to church they ask the crowd if there is anyone out there who has or wants to accept Jesus to raise their hands or something like that and I would be the only one who did not. The preacher had some good moral stories but was also good at making you feel guilty. He was intimidating with the way he preached and he threatened damnation for all who do not ask for forgiveness of their sins. But I smiled and noded along to please Juie and kept my opinions to myself out of respect. She said she was ok with me not going to church and only came up a few times during our 3 years together. The other issue, sex, was more of my problem. I, being 18-21 while with her, was very interested in being intimate. We both were virgins and never had been intimate at all. Hell, I hardly got past holding hands before.... so making out and coping a feel were good enough for me for a while. Eventually we fell deaper into love and got a little more intimate and started fooling around with private areas. I never tried to pressure her and always stopped when she said no. She was like a rollercoaster and was either really in to it, or really against it. Eventually she put her foot down and said no more, which I wasn't ready to accept... So I dumped her after 6 months. A week past before we saw eachother again, and we were so happy together at lunch that day I told her i couldn't live without her and decided to sarifice intimacy for love and we got back together. While we were together we never really talked about serious stuff, but that day we got back together we both decided to comunicate more and we both talked about our problems. I tried explaining to her why I believed what I did and why I didn't go to church... I think I even wrote it in a letter to her. She accepted tried to be ok with it at the time, but never really was.
Not long after the break up she was at a high peak in the roller coaster and insisted that she changed her mind about intimacy. Now just to clear this up.. we never had sex, ever. We just did everything else. There were more ups and down along the way and one problem I had was that she would neglect my needs after I would please her. All the friggin time! Near the end she started acting different... she didn't seemed interested in me anymore. I started getting nervious and jeleous. I made some mistakes which she used as excuses to get mad at me. Eventually she confronted me about my religious beliefs and I tried to explain the best I could.
The second I said "IF there is a God.." it was over.
"IF!!!!???" she screached. "How could you even say that?!"
She had been denying that I was different this whole time aparently. She never respected my beliefs like I respected hers. She probably thought that I would be easily saved when I came with her to church. I tried defending what I said and asked some of the questions that led me to doubt like i stated above. She never had any answers for me and didn't really know what to say. She even used the words "It's all that I know." which only strengthened my opinion. Not long after the argument she started to avoid me and then dumped me when I asked what was going on. She said we were too different, she lost interest in me and didn't even miss me on her trip out of town. I did so much for her but in the end it meant nothing.... it hurt so much to hear that, I stopped loving her right then and there. I walked out of her house for the last time, not saying a word, not even looking back. Since it was in my nature to not make enemies or burn bridges, I called her 3 months after and said there were no hard feelings and we could still be friends if she wanted to talk. About a week or so after I was invited to join the Explorer group (which I quit after she dumped be because she was in it) on a white-water rafting trip and it was the first time I had seen her. By then I knew I was over her and was glad I was free and I didn't have to do things I didn't want to do to make her happy... And I bet she felt the same.

So here I am now... after reading this article from the first section of my Soul Search rant. I don't know why but I just sent a link to the article to Juie yesterday. Maybe she will learn a few things about what I believe and respect people like me a little more instead of just thinking of us as people who don't care. Obviously I do care, I care very very much. So much that I am not about to believe in something based off of someone elses opinion, including the people that I love. So much that I had to break my opinion into 3 parts, heh.

Just a disclaimer here: Every word of this is my personal opinion and I hope whoever might read this will accept that and respect it. Your opinions are welcome here too.... Just don't hate.

THE END!
now back to my mindless blogging about pointless things :P