no valentine

It has been a while since I haven't had a valentine, but I still know the drill:
-Stay busy all day, and hide in my room all night.
-Ignore all valentine related conversations and advertisements.
-Act like I don't care what day it is and avoid all couples.
-Eat leftovers and go to bed early.

That was the extent of my activities yesterday. But this time it wasn't enough to spare me.

The last few years at this time I felt like a million bucks, even though I was broke from buying gifts. Last year I spent a good weekend preparing the hottub at my parents house (which hadn't been used in 5 years). I learned how to cook a real dish (which is amazing for me) and printed out a play by play of what I had in mind for the night. I covered my bed with rose pedals and watched her swim in them, complimenting her beuty. I treated her like a woman whom I would do anything for, and had no problem keeping my pants on, until she begged for me. She had goose bumps and was glowing from romance ever since she saw me dressed up. We saw the sun set over the river before dinner even though it was quite chilly. It was a perfect night, and I did it all for her. The year before I set up a blanket picnic on my lawn behind the house. It was a large, unused, grassy part of land with the only lights coming from the candles spread across the ground. I set up my dads telescope and we star gazed for hours while she munched on her new chocolate candies. Her house had too many street lights too see the stars so she always loved to stop and look at them when she could. We cuddled together in the peaceful night, wrapped in warm blankets... like a toasty love burrito.
I can't help but wonder what she was doing yesterday. Did she have a date? Did he treat her like she deserves? Did she have goosebumps? Or was she alone.... ignoring the day like I did. Did she cry? Did she think of me? I guess I will never know because I am never gonna call her again. If she ever contacts me its to gloat about some big change in her life. Like she is trying to prove to me that I was holding her back from doing the things she always wanted. She got the job she wanted and called me. She got the car she always wanted and called me. I am happy for her as I always was, but I really wish she would just go away. Maybe I just need to go where she can't find me and remind me of what I lost. Another good escuse to move back to California.

But still, I am glad that it is over. It was for the best. Our relationship never would have worked out. She is a devote Christian from birth, stubborn in her ways. And I am an X-believer, stubborn in my own ways. The difference was that I accepted and respected that she believed in something. But she couldn't accept and repsect that I had my own view. I would explain it and she would get mad at me. I even pledged abstinance until marriage for her but it wasn't enough. There were other problems, but I will have to get them out later. Regaurdless of all of that, the first years I had with her were the best years of my life so far. I don't really think it was because of her specifically, but just the way she made me feel. Now I just think that it was the right feeling, but the wronge girl.... The right girl is out there waiting for me to find her. The one thing I am almost sure of is that she doesn't live here!