Friday, April 29, 2005

:(

Things kind of suck this week. I didn't get that job I wanted and the people who I wanted to help me with my mod backed out, probably because I was too slow at responding. Its like everytime I get hyped about it I just get shot down and it makes me want to quit. I haven't quit with it yet.. but then again, I haven't really done much to get it going either. I thought this was my break and instead it was just another missed opertunity. Will I ever change my habits?

Monday, April 25, 2005

Grandma

I am fortunate enough to have both of my parents mothers still alive today, although it is sad that I hardly even know either of them. They may even think that I don't care about them or love them, but that is not true. They are my family and the few memories I have of them were still good ones. Mostly visits were limited to holidays even though my mom's mom lived only 10 minutes from where I grew up. She still lives there, in the same house, in my home town. But now my imediate family lives here in Alabama, around 2000 miles away from any other family members. Several holidays have passed where all we could do was send cards and gifts while me, my parents, and my brother celebrate alone.
I have learned that family is a fairly loose word in my world. We are more like individuals who happen to share the same dna and lived in the same house. It's just the way I was raised. My parents were work-a-holics, my brother was abusive (in a brother-like way) and I was a loner. I was always fending for myself and blocking other people out when I really just wanted them to help me. That has mostly all passed as I matured and learned the ways of life on my own, but I still have problems communicating with my family outside of Alabama. My dads mom is content with not knowing me, and she is in a mental and phyiscal state where conversations are a lost cause. But my moms mom only mental sickness is depression because she does not know her grandchildren. It hurts me to hear that she is suffering because our lack of contact, and that is why I want to give her what noone else in my family has..... a link to my blog.
Maybe then she will know who I am, and what I am up too. A window into a very private side of me that most people never get to see.... I just need to clean it up a bit :P

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

new job

This might be it.... I might be looking at a new day job A real job. A more then 8k a year job. Actually closer to 15k for only 3 months. From what the description is, it wont be easy.. far from it. BUT it will be doing 3D animations and digital presetations of hardware from NASA. Thats right, the nations government program to explore space could soon be on my name tag, and my resume. I am already negotiating a deal with the manager and I could start as soon as next week! There is no goofing around about this one.. I REALLY need to give it eveything I have. If they like me after 3 months, it's possible this could be permanant. I know its not in California like I planned, but who knows where this could lead.. this may be the expereince I need to land me that west coast job anyway.

so umm, let me express how I am feeling about this in 2 words.....



FUCK YA!

Monday, April 18, 2005

not so bad

I sat on the sun torn lawn chair in the cool shadow cast by the trees behind me. One tree next to me housed a family of birds who sang for me while I refreshed myself with a glass of cold water. The intermitent sounds of traffic buzzed by on the country road as cars slowed for the "dead mans curve" near the juction that leads to our neighborhoods private culdrasack. The street includes 7 lots but only 4 houses so it was always a private place. Behind the lots was a large field of uncut grain that reached to the treeline a half a mile away. To one far corner was a small silent lake surrounded by sporatic trees. One large tree had been a casualty of the latest storm and fell over next to the lake. But it has already been chopped up and made into firewood since the last time I saw it. In the other corner was something I had not seen before. A new house was being framed in a plot of land where I had seen families stop to fly kites or launch toy rockets.
The nieghbors across the way where riding around in their family collection of quad off-road vehicles with their little dog chasing them. I've watched them many times through windows or when I was outside but I never really met them. I had spent 4 years of my life here, but now it is just called the parents house. It is beutiful 2 story tutor with 5 bedrooms, 3 1/2 baths, a large kitchen, an attic, a pool, a spa, a large shed, a 2 car garage and an emense lawn outlined by my mothers presious garden. It looks glorious on the outside, but on the inside it is quite the opposite. Still, it was my home and it felt nice to be back here on such a perfect day.
"HAH" My mother eclaimed outloud from the other side of the yard. Instictively I tossed down my glass and got up out of the chair faster then I close non-work related websites when she walks in my office at work. Break time was over so I got up and continued my gardening task. She assured me that my un-scheduled break was ok since we had been doing so much for here all day.
"Tim should be over here to help you finish this in just a minute" she said. My brother, Tim, had been pulling weeds in the fenced in area for most of the day while I was working in other areas. We either get on long well like brothers should, or we don't get along at all like most brothers do. Eventually he came by but I just told him to get a head start on fixing his car problems before it starts to get dark.
Peacefully alone, I continued the motions of gardening work while I drifted off, thinking about what a wonderful day it was and how lucky I am to have lived here. The family dog, Mandy, stood by my side with a oversized tennis ball in her mouth... waiting for me to hurl the ball in a random direction so she could go fetch it. Mandy is a very loving and loyal dog although sadly she is usually left alone for most of the day now that I am not there. She is the fourth and probably last dog our family has owned as long as I have been around.
As time flew by I found my work finished and found mom cleaning up the area in front of the garage. Parked there was my old '91 Toyota Corola. It was the first car I ever drove, but it was the perfect car to learn in since it didn't have the power to exceed the speed limit. This was due to one of the valves in the engine being messed up from the long hauls my dad used to take it on when he would comute 2hrs to work in Los Angeles. The car was in such bad shape that, even though it was an automatic transmission, it would stall when you idled. But recently someone has offerend to purchase it after it has sat in our driveway for over 3 years and will soon be gone from our family. Next to it was the old family mini-van. I still remember the first time I saw that red Arrowstar when it magically apeared to pick me up from soccer practice back when I was in gradeschool. I also remember spending long hours inside that van while we traveled on our many family adventures across the western United States. Now it serves as a delivery vehicle for office and gardening supplies for my mom.
" I have 1 more thing for you guys to do before you are finished" she told me.
"Ok, no problem" I said, expecting it to be an easy clean up task.
"I need you to move the 2 couches out of the padio and into the back yard so we can donate them." she replied as if it where nothing.
"Oh, well great!" I sarcasticly remarked, kicking myself for speaking too soon. I followed my rude words with a smile to show that I was joking and its not that big of a deal.
These couches have been in the family for as long as I can remember. They have been sitting in the patio ever since my parents replaced them in hopes that maybe one day I would take them with me when I moved out. But since I moved in with my brother and he has a huge L-shaped sofa, we didn't need them. The reason I protested moving the couches was not because I was tired and ready to call it quits, but because the padio was over run with rats and wasps from previous seasons and many had used the couches as coazy homes. Luckily they were all gone at this time of year so we just had to deal with the "leftovers" from their ocupation.
After the move was done, Tim went back to working on his car while I decided to brave the pool. I didn't dare look at the temperature of the water, but I felt so dirty from the soil and burnt from the sun. My dad found a swimsuit so I put it on and cannon balled into the deep end without fear. WOW, the water was so cold! But I have been in worse I thought to myself while I scrubbed the dirt from my legs and arms. It reminded me of Scout Camp way back in the youngin days. They had a badge you could earn at the camp if you woke up at dawn, jumped into the freezing lake, and then swam from one side to the other... that was much colder, hehe. Shortly after I jumped into the pool, I decided to leave and welcome the last few minutes of direct sunlight before it disapearned behind the treeline.
After everyone made it back inside and ate dinner me and Tim left for our apartment on the otherside of town. I was tired and aching but I welcomed the over-due excersize and felt good that I helped my mother out. My once paisty white arms were now glowing red and my skin stung whenever I moved, but to me that was a small price to pay for spending the entire day outside in one of the most relaxing, beutiful places I have ever been. We drove past the wildlife refuge on the way home. The water was high and ocupied by a couple of fishing boats and various birds. This is where I have lived for my entire young-adult life, and I guess it really is not so bad here. Do I really want to leave this place and go back to California? If there was only more work here for me and maybe a girl to keep me happy I could stay here forever........

Time will tell.

Monday, April 11, 2005

No one ever said work was suppost to be fun.

Maybe I should just make webpages for a living. I mean, everyone and their mother needs a website for something these days. I have made at least 6 websites for either personal use or for work and I have had twice that many offers from other people who just need something simple that I can do on a weekend. Today my main (only) 3d contractor asked me to work on his website instead of 3d art. Then someone from work advised me to contact the local newspaper because they are looking for people to work on the weekends to update their website.

HHMMMM

It's not really what I want to do for a living, but I need the money and I have the skills, so why not?

Anyway, this is just something I am currently mulling over. I don't really hate making websites... it's just not the same as working in 3D. Well... no one ever said it was suppost to be fun.

Friday, April 08, 2005

no disassemble!

I would have posted more this week but stupid blogger disassembled my last post. MEANIES!

The good news is that I found the files that I thought I had lost when my hard drive crashed! YAY! I feel so much better now. Its like finding a puppy that has been lost for weeks, just sitting on your doorstep when you come home after you had lost all hope of seeing the poor thing again.

I'm meeting with someone about my mod this weekend and will definetly start getting my team together to work on something effective. SWEET!

The bad news is that I am still addicted to gaming (old news!) and I stay up too late, put off important things, and stay indoors on beutiful days. *shrug*

I almost have my project done that I am doing for the 3d forum competition. That will be cool to finish and turn in, expecially if I win and move to the next round! If I don't, well that gives me time to work on my project.

Oh, more bad news... my taxes! UGH, this is my first year doing taxes and since I am a freelance artist I have to account for my "buisiness". The good thing is that I can deduct a lot of expences that I had last year from traveling to Birmingham and GDC, BUT since I wasn't thinking about taxes at the time I have to dig up all of those records... if I even have them. Plus, well its already April so I only have 1 more week to get all of this done. Mrs. Buisness women (my mom/boss) herself is guiding me through this plus a person from work handles taxes so I am not entirely worried about it.

More bad/good news is that Cindy is now getting her tubes tied or something. I think its because she has some internal problems.. not really because she doesn't want to ever get pregnant. This means she will be out of the office for the rest of the month. I will have this room all to myself and I will be incharge of fixing EVERYTHING that goes wronge in her absence. This means more hours and more money.. as long as I can get up in time!

Anyway, cya next week.

Monday, April 04, 2005

saved

whew. Aparently I did save all of my 3d art on my other harddrive and I just found it in a hidden directory yesterday. I feel so much better now. Its like finding a puppy that has been lost for months. I just want to hug it!

Friday, April 01, 2005

California, it's the cheese!

So I called up my buddy Alan from the good ol' days back in California to get the skinny on his current events. Aprarently he is still a genious and all into politics. He's got an internship doing paperwork for some political office down there, which is new since he never had a real job yet. Hes about to graduate this spring which means hes ready to go to the next step. For me that would be a job in the field, but for him it means more school! He's planning to move to Monteray, California and live with his fiance to go into post-graduate school. So I told him about my plans to move back to Cali and how I was hopping to move close to his area since thats the main spot for my kind of work. He was happy to hear from me and hear my news and all that..... good sheit. The major hurtle I am facing is 1) finding that perfect job that can get me there and pay me enough to live there. My deadlines are becoming crunched so I really need to pick up my game! Now that I know the name of the city I want to move to, the job search begins!

Me: So ya, I just wanted to know exactly where y'all where planning on moving.
Alan: We are going to split an apartment in Monteray
Me: Oh, like the cheese!
Alan: ........ ya, Monteray Jack. Exactly.
Me: California, its the cheese.