What the #$% do you want!?

I don't mean to be rude but WTF! Twice this week I have recieved an aim messages from her. This is basically how the conversation goes.....

Her: Hi
Me: Hey
Her: How are you?
Me: Peachy
Me: How bout u?
Her: I'm doing great!
*20 minute silence*

*she has logged off*

Me: well that was a great fucking conversation, thanks for starting it!

That was today about 5 minutes ago... The one earlier this week was a bit different. I actually fell for it and asked her whats up, and she replied saying that she is now working 24 hr shifts on the ambulance. Ok great, good for you! I just want to yell, "I dont fucking care what you are doing anymore, please go away!" But I am not the kind of guy that burns bridges and makes enemies.
I really just want to ask her what the fuck does she want? Why doesn't she just forget about me and let me forget about her? It makes me think about wether she wants to get back together. Or is she waiting for me to ask if she is still single so she can say "No...I'm engaged, teehee." Or is she lonely and has noone else to talk too. Noone else to gloat too. Noone else to give her the encouragment and support that I gave her. Noone else to make her feel better about herself..... But what I really want to ask her is why did she stop loving me. Because I don't believe in God like she does? Or was that an excuse. So many questions that I don't really want to know the answer to. If she had left me alone, she would be whiped from my mental hardrive by now. Even her cousin Jimmy messages me all of the time.... but hes cool, so I don't mind.

Seriously though.. this needs to end. I'll keep you posted

Marine WIP

This is what I am currently working on

http://www.moldingminds.com/m31/images/marine-wip1.jpg">

I like how it has turned out so far, and I also like the fact that I spent an entire evening working on it last night without opening any other programs or watching TV. Shit I even used a tutorial book for reference material which payed off quite well!

Now I just need to touch it up, texture, rig it, animate it, and get it to function correctly in game. Then I need to get a working ranged and close combat weapon and repeat everything for those. So basically he is 5-10% ready :P


5 year plan

I can't continue to mooch off of my parents generocity. I can't remain to waist my youth without being somewhat prodective. I need to think ahead if I want to move up and do great things. And I have.

Right here right now, I need to flesh out the rough draft outline of the 5 year essay that will document my future.

In 5 years I want to become a professional game developer at a mid-ground development complany. This means a salary, and a possition higher then intern in the art department. The company must have a history in sucessfully releasing at least one game on the market that sold for regular price.

In order to do this I first need a healthy portfolio and a website to back up my capabilities. Then I need to find the right companies that fit my interests and apply to them. If all goes well I should be moved and possitioned where I want within 2 years and will have plenty of time to make myself an indespencible asset to them.

So that means that this year is crutial and I need to do the following:
- Keep my day job and save to the money I need to relocate
- Complete a project to add to my portfolio every month!
- Redesign and update my website
- Research companies for the right matches
- Do more projects for Carlo if possible
- Update my knowledge about game design and 3d art.
- Maybe take some night classes to get some general education.

Then year 2 will be where I mass apply to companies across the US. I should have a job march if I make it to GDC. Then I will have moved by the summer and started working. By christmas release of year 2 I should have my name on another game.
By year 3 and 4 I will either be moving up in the company or finding a new place to work. The last year will be a buffer in case something doesnt work out or I get distracted.

The 10-year plan would be to move on into the larger, more popular compaines.

for future reference

http://www.pointsincase.com/how_to_argue_females.htm

I have a feeling I am going to need this guide in the future. I can't argue with a girl for my life!

Birds of Prey

In gerneral, seeing a bird of prey makes me feel safe and happy. Like it is watching over me... guiding me to my next challenge in life.

The Eagle is more of a symbol. It represents pride and acomplishment of something I have worked hard to do. It also reprents responsibility and duty to continue to better myself as a person and contribute positively to the world. I have only seen an eagle in person a couple times. Mainly on my trip to Alaska which included the most spetacular sighting of my life. It was on the humorously named Homer Spit
, a large sand bar with a small fishing development. I was with my family walking along the Spit and we spoted an eagle coming in from the ocean for a landing. It landed on the beach not far away (the whole place is beach!), so we rushed to go get a look. We stopped a safe distance away to see another eagle on the shore, pecking away at a freshly caught fish. Watching them were dozens of other tourist and locals and a large flock of drooling seagulls all a safe distance away from these powerful birds. Within minutes more eagles joined in on the feast, each taking their turn in the pecking order to slice off a chunk of raw fish before the next would eat. They flew in from miles away, using their keen eyesight to find the action. By the fishes end, there were 10 or so eagles on the beach, just a stones throw away. It was an experience very few get to see, and is something that I will never forget.
Of course there is also the fact that I am an Eagle Scout. I earned the rank at 17 just before I moved to Alabama, by working hard at a goal that I previously though was unreachable. Its the reason I feel responsible to participate in comunity services around the city. And I am proud of it. It is a symbol of personal accoplishment as well as the symbol of our great country.

The Hawk is less of a symbol and more of an omen to me. They are more comon in this area then eagles of course, so I see them frequently, but not all of the time. The perched hawk is watching over me. It assures me that everything is ok and that I am safe. When I see one, all of my worries go away and I become calm and relaxed. The soaring hawk is guiding me. It is leading me to something new.. reminding me to keep my eyes open. A new opertunity, or a potential new friend will be made available sometime in the near future (sounds like a fortune cookie). When I see one I become more aware whats around me, and try to be more open with people. Often its linked to women when I see the hawk gliding through the air, looking for dinner. When I am dating it means that she has something important and new to discuss, or if I am single it means it is a prime night to be on the lookout.

None of the other birds are really omens or sybmols to me, and of course I don't take any of this too seriously... Its just a wierd personal feeling. The Eagle reminds me of who I am, and the Hawk helps me to become who I want to be.

i dunno

I am just bored today. I really don't want to do any work right now and I am tired of chatting with D2r, browsing fansites and forums, and reading daily comics and blogs. Although today D2r posted a link to some science discovery: "Martian biology is likely alive and well on the red planet, but tucked away in caves or dwelling underground, sustained by pockets of water."
And I also read about Dawn of War getting an expansion with Imperial Guard, called Dawn of War:Winter Assault.. I wish they did something other then the IG, but whatever.. I am still getting it when it comes out in the fall.

I built a new soda pyramid. Its only a matter of time before someone makes me take it down, but at least its cleaner then just having them stacked all over! I'l upload a pic when I get home.

Lets see... tonight I am gonna use that coupon to get my oil changed. My "check engine light" turned on Monday after I put in some new gas, which makes me worry. After that I guess I am headed home to get my gym cloths and then head out there. I don't know what to do after that.... Maybe I will just mull around outside the apartment if its still bright out... try and talk to some neighbors.

I hung out with Eddie and Richard last night so thats not too bad. I told them about my idea to move back to California, but of course they didn't like that so much. They are both still attached to their ol' ladies while I am still single. But I keep my chin up and laugh it off....thats all I can do

so i guess I killed enough time to get some work done before I go do all of that.

no valentine

It has been a while since I haven't had a valentine, but I still know the drill:
-Stay busy all day, and hide in my room all night.
-Ignore all valentine related conversations and advertisements.
-Act like I don't care what day it is and avoid all couples.
-Eat leftovers and go to bed early.

That was the extent of my activities yesterday. But this time it wasn't enough to spare me.

The last few years at this time I felt like a million bucks, even though I was broke from buying gifts. Last year I spent a good weekend preparing the hottub at my parents house (which hadn't been used in 5 years). I learned how to cook a real dish (which is amazing for me) and printed out a play by play of what I had in mind for the night. I covered my bed with rose pedals and watched her swim in them, complimenting her beuty. I treated her like a woman whom I would do anything for, and had no problem keeping my pants on, until she begged for me. She had goose bumps and was glowing from romance ever since she saw me dressed up. We saw the sun set over the river before dinner even though it was quite chilly. It was a perfect night, and I did it all for her. The year before I set up a blanket picnic on my lawn behind the house. It was a large, unused, grassy part of land with the only lights coming from the candles spread across the ground. I set up my dads telescope and we star gazed for hours while she munched on her new chocolate candies. Her house had too many street lights too see the stars so she always loved to stop and look at them when she could. We cuddled together in the peaceful night, wrapped in warm blankets... like a toasty love burrito.
I can't help but wonder what she was doing yesterday. Did she have a date? Did he treat her like she deserves? Did she have goosebumps? Or was she alone.... ignoring the day like I did. Did she cry? Did she think of me? I guess I will never know because I am never gonna call her again. If she ever contacts me its to gloat about some big change in her life. Like she is trying to prove to me that I was holding her back from doing the things she always wanted. She got the job she wanted and called me. She got the car she always wanted and called me. I am happy for her as I always was, but I really wish she would just go away. Maybe I just need to go where she can't find me and remind me of what I lost. Another good escuse to move back to California.

But still, I am glad that it is over. It was for the best. Our relationship never would have worked out. She is a devote Christian from birth, stubborn in her ways. And I am an X-believer, stubborn in my own ways. The difference was that I accepted and respected that she believed in something. But she couldn't accept and repsect that I had my own view. I would explain it and she would get mad at me. I even pledged abstinance until marriage for her but it wasn't enough. There were other problems, but I will have to get them out later. Regaurdless of all of that, the first years I had with her were the best years of my life so far. I don't really think it was because of her specifically, but just the way she made me feel. Now I just think that it was the right feeling, but the wronge girl.... The right girl is out there waiting for me to find her. The one thing I am almost sure of is that she doesn't live here!

Sweet home, California?

...sigh

Every passing day I feel like I don't belong in Alabama. It was funny when I moved here everyone at school acted like I was from a different country. They laughed at my "accent" and everyone asked if I surfed. They all didn't seem to realize that California is as wide as Alabama and that where I lived was in the middle of the desert. The coast was a farther drive then Mississippi. And then after being here for 4 years I visited my friend at San Jose State who was living in the International Dorm. All of the residents there were from another country or had studied over seas, and all either had an unusual accent or were locals. Yet when I showed up from Alabama they were asking me a 100 questions about what its like as if it is another country over here. And they would laugh AT ME anytime I let slip a Southern word or twang. Now I belonged there. I could live there. Even though it was a city, it was beutiful and peaceful to me. The women were pritty, and friendly. All was good.... Why did I have to move. I could have lived in San Jose and went to school with Alan. Its the friggin Scilicon Vally! Thats like the habitat of game developers like me. Who knows what I could have done with that kind of education and job opertunities. It really is like another world here. Everything goes slower. Living is cheaper, so there is no reason to get a high paying job. Most women I meet are either devote Christians with a sheltered life, or mothers before they could legally drink. The guys around here like big muddy trucks and killing everything that doesn't walk on 2 legs. This is a true quote I heard not long ago "All there is to do around here is drink, get high, and fuck." ......I guess thats why I drink so much now.

I just talked to my "old friends" Erik and Blake and they are going to share an apartment in Long Beach, and go to grad school there....

WTF AM I DOING IN ALABAMA! I SHOULD BE LIVING AT LONG BEACH!

My Aunt Lauri, Uncle Donald, Grandma Mavis, and my only 2 Cousins all moved from Virginia back to California with my other Aunt this year. They live in Oxnard which is a beutiful modern city not far from the coast only a few hours from my hometown. And of course my Grandma Dottie still lives in Lancaster... the desert city were I was born and raised.

I keep visiting every other year... each time even more fun then the last. Probably because Alabama is becoming so dull. The only things keeping me here is my family.

But I am a Californian....I belong in California!!!!

So let it be written. So let it be done!

Within 5 years I will be living in California. I don't care how.

what to do with 100,000 dollars?

Last night I had a typical random dream. From what I can remember near the end of it, I was part of a team of 3 kids who aparently "aquired" 300,000 dollars by some form of thievery which was stashed in an elementry schools toilet. I remember pulling the large wet garbage bag out of the porcelain safe. It was like some kind of a cartoon. I think I was one of the kids from Southpark because I remember the ring leader acting like Cartmen and the Principal that busted us constatly repeated "MMK". I woke up just after we were busted with the thought of having $100,000 running through my head. For the next 20 minutes I was lying in bed pondering how I would use my imaginary stolen cash. It ended up something like this...

Since $100,000 wont make me terribly rich in this day in age I thought that I would just treat all of my needs for the next 5 years, and then put whatever is left in savings and continue to live my normal life

Worstation and Gaming Rig
First, of course I would need to buy a computer system that would sustain every possible buisness and gaming need that I would require and be powerfull enough to last 5 years (most high end computers only last 2-3 years before they are obsolete)
I could buy every peice of development software with upgrade subcriptions to last 5 years and create my own Development Studio. Then I would get full magazine and website subscriptions to keep me informed of the latest improvments to the industry. To please my gaming needs I would buy all the games I ever wanted, and run them with max settings on my jumbo flat screen monitor. All of this would be costly, but worth it. I estimate a total of 10,000 over 5 years. With this system I could quit my job and work full time on my projects.

Car
100,000 isnt quite enough for me to buy me a new car, sustain the insurance, and still afford the rest of my dream prizes. BUT that wouldnt stop me from buying new brakes, tires, rims, an after market intake, full exaust w/ headers, upgraded transmission, new sway bars, new lowered suspension, a custom sound system w/ an xm head unit and dvd screen, and all of the other gadgets and upgrades I craved back when I was in the zx2 fanatic phase. If I go for aperance too it could easily be $10,000 worth of upgrades including install fees. If I take good care of the car it should last another 10 years

Home Entertainment
I would also want a new sterio/TV/dvd set as well as lots of new dvd's and an XBox 2 w/ games when that comes out. With furnature to support it thats about 5 grand unless I get a plasma, then thats like 5 more.

Travel
I would have to tour California and catch up with all of my friends and family there. Then I would have to get tickets to GDC, E3 and Gamesday one at a time for 5 years. Making the most out of those trips with plane fares could run up a quick $10k bill.

Thats 1/3 already blown on mememe. I would probably like to give about 15k of that to all of my friends and family on gifts throught the 5 year plan. Thats $3000 a year for really nice birthday presants.

That leaves me with about 50,000 dollars which I would hold on to. It should sustain all of my bills and living expenses for the 5 years. Giving me 10k a year to keep myself confortable while I work on my projects and prepare to make my own big money in the future. Any money I earned and is left over each year would be imediatly put in savings. By the end of the 5yrs I would have a healthy savings and hopefully a successfull career in my field to keep me moving ahead.

That would be swell :D

becoming a southerner

So free beer, free food, and a big TV to watch the game. Good deal! My brother actually turned it down so he can use TIVO to pause and rewind the game on the crappy downstairs TV, but I am thinking he just didn't want to be in a public place with a bunch of strangers. When I first showed up I was kind of regreting it. The TV and keg were all set up in the room but I didn't see any food. It was still pregame entertainment but the only people there at the time was an old couple with a toy dog. Eventually people started coming in, still mostly older then me. This tough lookin guy in a muscle shirt and a big texas tatoo on his right arm sat on the barstool next to me. We talked a bit and I learned it was his TV and he is actually a Morgan County police officer. I first met him and his younger superman-loving friend a bit earlier when they were walking thier puppy pit bull. So many dogs in this neighborhood... makes me miss mine. I've lived with 1-3 dogs my whole life in my parents house. But now without one I just feel even more alone. Even when my parents were always out working late, the dogs were there with me to keep me company and give me attention.
Oh, back to the party. Eventually the food was brought in... much more then I was expecting. Chips, soda, chicken salad, beans, and tons of spicy and honey bbq wings. I haven't been to many parties in my life, and this certainly isn't a party for college kids.. but they did have a keg. I never actually drank from a keg before, and I totaly forgot that you were suppost to pump that first! heh. Luckily noone noticed and I just left with half a cup. After I saw someone else do it right I went back for more.. and more.. Eventually Patrick showed up with a girl from the same apartments, so there was finally someone I could talk to.

I think I met Patrick before I started this blog thing so I need to give a little backstory. Its not too complicated... basically I came back from the club or bar one night, alone, and didn't want to waist my buzz by going right to sleep, so I went for a walk. Patrick was standing out on the porch talkin to his neighbors so I said hi and ended up hanging out till about 5 or 6. A few weeks later the same thing happened and this time he invited me in for several shots of rum. Naturally I said ok! I ended up telling him a little more about myself and he thought it would be a good idea to invite some girls over. By the time they made it over I was puking all over and passed out... Not my best moment :/ I had never passed out or puked from drinking before but that night was the worse. But I am lucky that I did passout because the girls that were there when I woke up in the morning were totally not workin for me. Oh and hes somewhere in his 30's with kids and an ex-wife. End backstory...

I hung out with him for most of the game and talked to his girl. She seemed quite attractive, with perfect teeth filling her smile, shoulder length brown hair, nice features, and a friendly flirty personality that meshed well with mine. She often said she was happy to have someone intelegent to talk to that night, which made me feel good even though I was the youngest person there. At half-time we went to Pats apartment and had a tequilla shot then went to the city cops place upstairs to get a shot of yeager. The cop was playing a vinyl record (should tell how much older he is) and shared some good stories. Another guy came to take shots with us and he seemed like another cool older guy to hang out with. He called me Dot Com the whole night because I work on websites for a job... quite the drunken Southerner! He was talking about this friend of his who has a job in Kuwait that makes $4000/month cash and since they don't have stuff to spend it on over there he would come back with 10 grand at a time and just blow it in a week with his friends. By the end of the game that guy was completely drunk and for some reason thought I was so cool that he invited me to join em on this money blowing extravaganza. For some reason everyone I meet seems like they need to teach me something. School me in how to be cool and do cool things with my time. Like I have some hidden potential to be the master of all things cool and fun in this world. They hear websites and computers and tech school and imediately think I never had a fun day in my life!
Well I guess if I can get along with a room full of Southerners with at least 10 years on me(except that girl couldn't have been more then mid 20's) then I am not too far off. After the game we drained the keg and took the beer to Pats apartment. We watched some really wierd sexual movie which I could barely follow since I didn't pay much attention due to being smashed. But in conclusion the night ended with me getting sent walking across the street to my place....

Patrick and Michelle both had dogs and she brought hers over so they could play together. They seemed like good little dogies who weren't as big of a hastle to keep in an aparartment as I imagined. Maybe I should get a dog for the aparment soon cuz I miss my dogs :(

LMAOnade!

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/feuer.php

Only someone like me would find this funneh!

Here is a quick explanation of the origins of this animation if ya can't quite understand wtf it is.

If you have ever been in a chat room of somekind you might have heard some people using a sort of lingo

Well that kind of evolved recently by some incredibly silly person in a bit of comical mockery. Thus ROFLcopter and LOLlerskates were born which spread like wildfire across the net. It was only a matter of time before some kid created this well made flash video.

Its going to be interesting to find out what the next trend is :P

blogaddict

I've really been interested in other peoples blogs lately. I have been browsing through blogs for hours. I wish there was a better way to narrow down what I browse through but o well. I just like seeing what other people like to blog about and see if there is anyone with common interests or problems.

Now as I have said before... I don't like reading books but short stories like blogs are great :D

There are a lot of talented writers out there recalling past events and expressing their feelings on a whole other level then what I am used to. Most entries I read come packaged with a hidden moral or life lesson that they have learned through the personal experiences that they describe. And who would have thought that I could learn a few things from reading!? I think my favorite blog that I have stumbled across recently is Divinities. She seems to know exactly who she is and what she wants. She is also quite skilled in writing detailed and interesting entries about her specific topic of the day.
My blogs are usually all over the place and are just about anything and everything that is on my mind without any reguard for its apeal to readers, or keeping to a specific topic. I kinda suck at that, heh

****///SO NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!\\\****

I need more moneh! I just wrote a check for $550 for rent and then withdrew 20 bucks from the ATM and noticed I only had $536 in the bank! OH NOES! actually its not big deal because I have a few hundred in savings. I just HATE having to leach from my saving acount.

Also its the big game this weekend. I hope something interesting comes up... If not, my backup plan is the superbowl party at the apartment complex. Free beer and chickenwings while watching the game on a monster plasma screen with a bunch of strangers that know where I live FOR THE WIN! Hopefully the Eagles will put up a fight and make it a good game, although I expect a total masacree by the Patriots. :P

and now the overdue orange thingy..

Listening to: Lots of CD's at work Currently its Static X
Watching: ZEE SUPER BOWL!
Playing: Counterstrike cuz i'm 1337
Feeling: like I don't give a fuck
Daily Goal: not to bounce any checks, oh and get a haircut
Weekly Goal: hmm little late for that
Relationship Status: Single, but not by choice
Am suddenly wanting: to go on a journey and find myself.

lehhoo-zahher

See, I complain about being alone and that noone ever calls me to hang out. But then of course I never call anyone either. I just do my daily routine, expecting people to call me and some shit to happen. Well yesterday I called just about everyone on my phone just to bullshit and see if they wanted to hang out for a bit. Of course everyone already had plans or didn't answer. BAH!

So i went to go bug a friend who was working. But I was all wierd... like I didn't know how to talk to a friend and I studdered, averted eye contact, asked really stupid questions, mumbled and shit like that. WTF, I am such a loser, lol. I doubt she will want to hang out w/ me anytime soon. I'll keep bugging her until I get it right, hehe.

I also went to the gym before all of this. There was a sorta hot lookin girl runnin around doing a million excerses on just about every cadio machine except the one I was on. She was on the one right next to me for a couple minutes, but I was too busy watching the TV instead of talking to her. What an L7! She had a nice mustang too :P In my defence it was the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where they were in Italy. While I was doin the rest of my workout I hurt my left arm real bad doing normal curls... it hurts like a biatch today! Its not something I want to talk about with any here because they might thing I hurt it doing "other things"

After all of that mess was over I went home and played on my computer cuz there was noone to hang out with. *SIGH*

THEN at 3:30am this morning I got a message on my phone that woke me up. It was Sport Zone Brandon and his car was dead. Aparently I am the only one he didn't mind waking up that had jumper cables. There was this whole thing about Clint getting a DUI cuz they were out at Shakers and he shouldn't have drove home... Of course they didn't invite me to their lil outing. :-/ Being the boy scout that I am I drug my ass out of bed and went to jump Brandons car which was a peice of cake. I am such a friggin nice guy. To bad I probably wont even see em again if I stop going to SZ.... I think I deserve a free drink for that. Or at least an invite next time (DAMNIT!)

OK i got it.. I said no more going to the bar, but the new deal is that I won't go anymore unless I have plans to go with friends. No more going by my pathetic lonely self, heh.

finito

I got my website for work finished and it looks hotT!

Also I decided to stop going to sports zone. I mean its kinda fun and all, and I am glad the regulars there know my face and maybe my name and its cool. But I still feel out of place and uncomfortable there. Even when I go to see the live bands I feel like I don't belong. Maybe its just my anti-social sense telling me to go home and hide, but maybe its also that 90% of the people there are assholes that I don't have anything in common with. I'm beginning to think its just that I don't belong in Alabama at all. Like what I really need to do is move away. Back to the west side.. or just anyplace with more people like me. I bet if I stayed in California with Alan and moved with him to San Jose for school, I would have been much happier. Now he is getting married and moving somewhere else. I've been saying a lot lately that I need to make some serious changes and I made a bunch of short term goals to satisfy my depression. But what I really should focus on is the future. I need a 5 year plan. A 10 year plan. Something to look forward too. This is gonna take some serious thought (for a change)